Lately, I have been finding myself on the verge of tears.  This only happens when I am alone and when it is quiet.  Alone and quiet doesn’t happen very often in my world.  There is always something going on around me: homework, volleyball, lacrosse, church, work, construction (my husband is a contractor and loves to work on our house), music, endless chatter, pitter-patter of feet, therapy, doctors appointments, grocery shopping, and the list never ends.  But every once and a while, there is complete silence in my house.  And this is when I find myself fighting back tears.

These are tears of sorrow and tears of joy.  It is crazy thinking back to my childhood and playing with my best friend Andrea.  We would play house for hours with our Cabbage Patch Kids.  This life I am living is not what I had envisioned!  But, I can tell you this life I am living is better than what I had envisioned!  It isn’t always easy, but it isn’t always hard.  It is life!  And it my life and I love it!

I think back to when I was first delivered the news of my baby potentially being diagnosed with Down syndrome.  I remember the weather being cold and gloomy.  I remember crawling into my bed and lying in fetal position (curled up in a ball) and crying.  I remember crying out to God.   “Why would you take Christopher away from me when he was perfect?  Why would you give me this child?  Why would you do this to me?  Why would you give me this life?  I can’t do this!  I can’t pay for this child?  I can’t handle the additional stress, the additional work, the additional cost, the additional time requirements!  What if I don’t think he is adorable or love him as much as I love my other two children?  After all these years of wanting a baby and this is what you give me?!?!”  I was so angry and hurt!  My faith and relationship with God took a beating that day!  But, He IS the one I cried out to!  I turned to Him when I felt alone and weak and like I couldn’t take one more step or one more breath.  Literally, I mean it hurt to breath.  There is no way I could have processed this on my own.

I think it is important to remember that it is okay to be angry, and sad, and hopeless, and afraid, and empty, and unsure, and confused, and all these different emotions rolled into one.  It takes time to process your future and the changes that are going to occur.  The thing is I flash back and I want to cry for the way I felt that day.  If I could have seen a video of what my future held, I would have celebrated my child with Down syndrome.  It also shows the lack of trust I had in God and the plan that He had for me and my future.  Instead, I went through my entire pregnancy grieving!

Most pregnant women nest.  I didn’t.  Most women prepare a nursery or wash baby clothes.  I didn’t.  (Thank God for my mother that did all of that for me!)  Most women take pictures of their growing abdomen.  I have two (maybe three) pictures.  Most women have sprinkles.  I didn’t.  Please do not take this wrong.  I loved this child that was growing within me.  It was a battle to celebrate him when the world around me was not welcoming a child that was different.

The grieving ended the moment he was placed on my chest and I began to cry tears of joy.  I loved him the second I found out I was pregnant, but I knew without a doubt he was perfect the second I saw him!  I should have never doubted God’s ability to give me the desires of my heart.  For He created Oliver, fearfully and wonderfully!

Now that I have quiet time, my heart hurts for families that are feeling the way I felt.  They should be celebrating!  Mamas should know that they are going to be smiling more than they have ever smiled and laughing more than they have ever laughed!  Families and friends should be celebrating this child!  Buy them gifts!  Be excited!  It is a baby!  Nothing will change the fact that this is YOUR baby!